On Wednesday I met with Lin Lisberger, a wood carving artist from Gorham. I had met with her a year ago to learn the basics of carving wood and she was extremely helpful. When I arrived I heard her pounding away in her studio. The last time I was there she was working on something new, she was carving knots into branches. This time, she'd taken that to an exponential level and is carving these large knot pieces that hang on the wall, they are stunning! After I got set up we began talking about my piece, she was very impressed where I have taken my carving since we last met. She was very excited about the piece that I'm working on. She gave me some tips on how to diminish the joints better than what I had planned. She also gave me a great tip on what to use for a finish, which I think I'll keep to myself for now. After asking when the project had to be done by she told me that I may have bitten off a little more than I can chew, but I'll get it finished! We spent some time talking about the flow of the piece and different things that I could do to emphasize that more. Overall it was a wonderful visit and I found her feedback very valuable, I'm glad she was willing to meet with me.
My great gram is still declining. We have had to make more decisions. She will be coming home on Monday and hospice will be coming in to assist 3 days per week. In the condition she's in now she could go to a hospice center but we have chosen to bring her home so she has a chance to die there, that's what she would want. She can no longer be transported in a car, she must be transported by an ambulance service. She is still refusing to eat or drink except for a couple sips or bites here and there. She is becoming very dehydrated, they wanted to do some fluids but cannot do a normal IV because it would be dangerous for her heart. The fluids would only last for a few hours and then she'd be right back to square one, so we have decided not to do them. They have since stopped all "curative measures" and are going to take away everything but the pain medication, which they are increasing. They are not sure if she'll make it through the weekend or not. I dread every phone call from my mother because any phone call could be the one that she has passed. I hope, for her own sake, that she finds peace soon so she can stop suffering.
On Monday Skylar had an OT Evaluation with a specialist, it has been determined that she has Sensory Processing Disorder. SPD is a spectrum disorder that there are many different parts and pieces to and many different levels. Skylar is of the "Sensory Seeking" portion which means her neurological sensing is under-responsive, meaning she needs more more more sensory input all the time. Running, jumping, spinning, stomping, kicking, hitting, yelling, go go go, more more more. She is also the type that, rather than feeling like an outsider because she doesn't interpret things like other kids her age, she gets frustrated very easily and gets aggressive and lashes out. The specialist explained it to us like a venn diagram, on one side we're dealing with SPD and on the other side we're dealing with other behavioral issues and it all comes together in the middle and escalates. We have to wait 3 weeks for our appointment to discuss all of the findings (there are 7 others ahead of us). After that we have to wait to get into therapy/treatment. There are no medications that can improve this, it's all therapy, research, understanding and hard work. I hope we can get this done before she starts kindergarten in the fall.....
Wedding plans are going well, the honeymoon is on hold since Skylar's school doesn't decide the first day of kindergarten until June. We're honeymooning in Newport, RI - I hope all the rooms aren't booked by the time we can book them... I need to get 2 more references so I can start applying for jobs. Graduation is May 14th, I hope to start working May 16th so I can pay bills for June, if not we'll have to use wedding and honeymoon money to pay the bills and cancel the wedding... I also have to figure out how I'm going to pay $135/week for daycare this summer so that I can work...
For now, I just need to enjoy the last few weeks of college and just crank out the work on my piece. I'm determined to finish!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
It's not about me
As many of you may have read before, my great grandmother has not been doing well over the past couple of months. She has been in the Alzheimer's unit of a nursing home in Westbrook since she was released from the hospital weeks ago. I have gone to see her every chance I have gotten, mostly once a week, sometimes twice. I wish I lived closer so I could see her more. Her condition has taken a turn for the worst. Three weeks ago she was still able to use her walker to get from one place to another and able to sit up in a chair. Over the past two weeks she has quickly declined. For the most part she has stopped eating and drinking, taking only a few sips and bites at each meal. When I have visited I have tried to feed her and get her to drink. Sometimes she outright refuses, crossing her arms and turning her head away; other times she can't understand to open her mouth and take a bite. My mother and I have had many conversations about what is fair and what isn't. The nurses wanted to try putting her on medication that would boost her mood and improve her appetite. My great grandfather, her husband, who died when I was 3 had a feeding tube and spent the end of his time bed ridden - that was never something she wanted to go through. We chose not to do the medication because it's only chemically forcing her to do something she clearly doesn't want to do.
I was in to see her twice this week. I got to spend a couple of hours alone with her on Saturday, I was happy to be able to spend some quality time with her. I don't know how much of it you can call quality time. It's so hard to visit with her, the Alzheimer's and dementia have progressed. Sometimes her sentences make sense and sometimes they don't, mixed up words or words that don't make any sense. It's so hard to see her laying there in bed helpless to do anything for herself, when her whole life she took pride in her independence. Just 5 short years ago I told her I was pregnant with my daughter and we sat and had a coherent conversation about it and now there really isn't a conversation. She lights up when I tell her I love her or give her a kiss, her face brightens when I run my fingers through her hair or rub her back, she always liked that. It's frustrating for me to see her going through this, to try and talk with her but not all the words make sense, and she knows the words don't always make sense and she gets frustrated. Three weeks ago we were talking about her getting better and coming home, now we're talking about her coming home to die.
I brought my daughter in with me again on Monday to see her. Normally Skylar is shy and doesn't want to talk to Gram or touch her, but Monday was different. We brought in pictures to hang on her bulletin board and took pictures with her. Skylar climbed right up into bed with her and laid with her, she gave Gram a hug and a kiss; she was so gentle and kind, not shy this time at all. She was happy to take pictures, for which I am thankful because these will be the last pictures we ever have of her. When I was 3, not long before my great grandfather passed, a picture was taken of my sister and I in bed with him much the same as Skylar was. That was the last picture we had of him and my sister and I still cherish it to this day, it's all we have. I hope since Skylar is older than we were that she will have more memories than I did. But her memories of my Gram won't be like my memories of my Gram, she started slipping not long after I had Skylar, but we do have some nice pictures of them before she slipped too far.
My reason for writing this is because I woke up in a panic this morning after having a dream that my Gram had passed. I had hoped I could go back to sleep or to shake it off but I just can't. I've been nothing but constant sniffles and tears to deep sobs and feeling nauseated since I woke up. I can't help but to sit here and wonder if she is still alive or if she has passed. I have thought of calling the nursing home but that thought seems silly to me...I would get a call if she had passed on, right? I know that she isn't going to get better this time, I know that she's suffering being like this and I don't want her to suffer. She is so frail, it's like her skin is just draped over her bones, like a sheet being draped over a broken structure. She is weak and confused, she is scared and I don't like seeing her like this. I don't want her to die, I don't want to lose her but that is selfish and I have come to terms with the fact that she needs to let go, she needs to be with my Papa. I couldn't imagine living my life so strong and keeping it together so well for 20 years after my husband died. She is and was always such a strong woman, so full of life, so hard headed and kind. I have many, many fond memories of her and I suppose those are what hurt the most.
Even though you know it's time and that it could happen any day now, it sure doesn't make it any easier. I spend every day wondering if she still there to visit and I spend every visit wondering if this is going to be my last. I am an emotional wreck because I don't want to miss her but I know that she needs to go. I don't like this waiting game, I don't like knowing that she's going to pass soon but I don't know when, it's agony. I have reached peace with the fact that she is not going to get better and that she is slowly dying, but that sure doesn't make it easier. I plan to visit her again today, after I meet with Lin in Gorham, what if this is my last visit? What if this is the last time I see her alive? It's such a gut wrenching, heart breaking feeling; one that sends uncontrollable tears and sobs through my body. It's a feeling that sends flashbacks of all the memories I have of her. Sitting where I am now...I wonder why we have funerals. Maybe after it happens I will feel differently, but right now a funeral almost seems like agony, I say my goodbyes every day I see her; I hope she can understand them, I'm not sure if she remembers them from day to day or even if she remembers who I am, but I know she feels comfortable with me and she knows that I love her. A funeral almost seems like ripping a scab off a healing wound, can't we just be in peace, why do we have to rip the wound open again? It's hard to think that soon, when I visit my Papa's grave that I won't just be visiting him, I'll be visiting her too. I know that it's time and I know that this will and has to happen but why does it hurt so much?
Can I keep it together when I go see her or am I going to be a wreck? Will she understand? Is it selfish of me to let my feelings take over rather than staying strong for her? At 24, I have never had anyone close to me pass away, only my Papa when I was 3 but I didn't understand. How am I going to explain this to my daughter? How am I going to tell her that her great great grandmother is no longer with us, that she's gone to Heaven to be with her Papa that she's never met? How am I going to walk into her house again without completely breaking down? Am I going to be able to hold it together enough to finish senior project and graduate? I don't know. It's not about me, it's about her finding peace.
What I do know is that I'm going to go see her again today...if she's still here...
I was in to see her twice this week. I got to spend a couple of hours alone with her on Saturday, I was happy to be able to spend some quality time with her. I don't know how much of it you can call quality time. It's so hard to visit with her, the Alzheimer's and dementia have progressed. Sometimes her sentences make sense and sometimes they don't, mixed up words or words that don't make any sense. It's so hard to see her laying there in bed helpless to do anything for herself, when her whole life she took pride in her independence. Just 5 short years ago I told her I was pregnant with my daughter and we sat and had a coherent conversation about it and now there really isn't a conversation. She lights up when I tell her I love her or give her a kiss, her face brightens when I run my fingers through her hair or rub her back, she always liked that. It's frustrating for me to see her going through this, to try and talk with her but not all the words make sense, and she knows the words don't always make sense and she gets frustrated. Three weeks ago we were talking about her getting better and coming home, now we're talking about her coming home to die.
I brought my daughter in with me again on Monday to see her. Normally Skylar is shy and doesn't want to talk to Gram or touch her, but Monday was different. We brought in pictures to hang on her bulletin board and took pictures with her. Skylar climbed right up into bed with her and laid with her, she gave Gram a hug and a kiss; she was so gentle and kind, not shy this time at all. She was happy to take pictures, for which I am thankful because these will be the last pictures we ever have of her. When I was 3, not long before my great grandfather passed, a picture was taken of my sister and I in bed with him much the same as Skylar was. That was the last picture we had of him and my sister and I still cherish it to this day, it's all we have. I hope since Skylar is older than we were that she will have more memories than I did. But her memories of my Gram won't be like my memories of my Gram, she started slipping not long after I had Skylar, but we do have some nice pictures of them before she slipped too far.
My reason for writing this is because I woke up in a panic this morning after having a dream that my Gram had passed. I had hoped I could go back to sleep or to shake it off but I just can't. I've been nothing but constant sniffles and tears to deep sobs and feeling nauseated since I woke up. I can't help but to sit here and wonder if she is still alive or if she has passed. I have thought of calling the nursing home but that thought seems silly to me...I would get a call if she had passed on, right? I know that she isn't going to get better this time, I know that she's suffering being like this and I don't want her to suffer. She is so frail, it's like her skin is just draped over her bones, like a sheet being draped over a broken structure. She is weak and confused, she is scared and I don't like seeing her like this. I don't want her to die, I don't want to lose her but that is selfish and I have come to terms with the fact that she needs to let go, she needs to be with my Papa. I couldn't imagine living my life so strong and keeping it together so well for 20 years after my husband died. She is and was always such a strong woman, so full of life, so hard headed and kind. I have many, many fond memories of her and I suppose those are what hurt the most.
Even though you know it's time and that it could happen any day now, it sure doesn't make it any easier. I spend every day wondering if she still there to visit and I spend every visit wondering if this is going to be my last. I am an emotional wreck because I don't want to miss her but I know that she needs to go. I don't like this waiting game, I don't like knowing that she's going to pass soon but I don't know when, it's agony. I have reached peace with the fact that she is not going to get better and that she is slowly dying, but that sure doesn't make it easier. I plan to visit her again today, after I meet with Lin in Gorham, what if this is my last visit? What if this is the last time I see her alive? It's such a gut wrenching, heart breaking feeling; one that sends uncontrollable tears and sobs through my body. It's a feeling that sends flashbacks of all the memories I have of her. Sitting where I am now...I wonder why we have funerals. Maybe after it happens I will feel differently, but right now a funeral almost seems like agony, I say my goodbyes every day I see her; I hope she can understand them, I'm not sure if she remembers them from day to day or even if she remembers who I am, but I know she feels comfortable with me and she knows that I love her. A funeral almost seems like ripping a scab off a healing wound, can't we just be in peace, why do we have to rip the wound open again? It's hard to think that soon, when I visit my Papa's grave that I won't just be visiting him, I'll be visiting her too. I know that it's time and I know that this will and has to happen but why does it hurt so much?
Can I keep it together when I go see her or am I going to be a wreck? Will she understand? Is it selfish of me to let my feelings take over rather than staying strong for her? At 24, I have never had anyone close to me pass away, only my Papa when I was 3 but I didn't understand. How am I going to explain this to my daughter? How am I going to tell her that her great great grandmother is no longer with us, that she's gone to Heaven to be with her Papa that she's never met? How am I going to walk into her house again without completely breaking down? Am I going to be able to hold it together enough to finish senior project and graduate? I don't know. It's not about me, it's about her finding peace.
What I do know is that I'm going to go see her again today...if she's still here...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Outside Mentor Crit
I am very excited as tomorrow I will be meeting with Gorham artist Lin Lisberger at her studio to discuss my piece for senior project. I am really looking forward to getting her input and feedback as she works with wood and is a great teacher. I had the pleasure of meeting with her late last spring to get a handle on wood carving before jumping into my first wood carving venture. At the same time, I'm just a little nervous to have an outside artist look at my work since I'm used to the UMA professors and my classmates, I hope it's good enough. Time will tell!
I just wish this snow would go away so I can get back to working outside again.
I just wish this snow would go away so I can get back to working outside again.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Just a quickie...
Just a quick update tonight. My mentor critique with Bob Katz this past Wednesday went really well. :)
I wanted to point out that the images I'm posting are general views of my piece. Although I have some shots that are close up, compared with others, it is still very different from seeing the piece in person. The images are good to use as a mental point of view for what my overall sculpture looks like but the detailing is best viewed in person. The images just don't do it justice. It appears as though I might be able to upload a video clip or two on here. I may make an attempt at doing some video documentation of the piece to post on here as that would be the next best thing to seeing it in person. The pictures are just a still shot from an angle and they make it very difficult for you to relate one small section of the piece to another. It is best viewed in person...that is where your eye has the ability to wander and explore all of the details in form and surface and where you can direct your own path/way of looking at it - it is much more exciting and rewarding.
I am looking for some input from my readers out there in regards to finishes. I am pretty open to just about anything, other than painting it. My purpose for not wanting to paint the piece is that it would have the tendency to lose its identity as wood - I might as well be doing the piece in plaster. I want to go in a direction that will enhance what I have, not cover it up. Some options that I'm considering right now include:
I wanted to point out that the images I'm posting are general views of my piece. Although I have some shots that are close up, compared with others, it is still very different from seeing the piece in person. The images are good to use as a mental point of view for what my overall sculpture looks like but the detailing is best viewed in person. The images just don't do it justice. It appears as though I might be able to upload a video clip or two on here. I may make an attempt at doing some video documentation of the piece to post on here as that would be the next best thing to seeing it in person. The pictures are just a still shot from an angle and they make it very difficult for you to relate one small section of the piece to another. It is best viewed in person...that is where your eye has the ability to wander and explore all of the details in form and surface and where you can direct your own path/way of looking at it - it is much more exciting and rewarding.
I am looking for some input from my readers out there in regards to finishes. I am pretty open to just about anything, other than painting it. My purpose for not wanting to paint the piece is that it would have the tendency to lose its identity as wood - I might as well be doing the piece in plaster. I want to go in a direction that will enhance what I have, not cover it up. Some options that I'm considering right now include:
- Stains
- Burning
- Oils (linseed or other natural based oils)
- Satin Polyurethane (to seal the piece and protect it, but satin so it doesn't have an overly glossy finish, they do not make matte polys anymore)
- Charcoal (maybe dusting some parts or grinding it in)
- Raw (not doing any surface treatment)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
A little more time...
I got a little more time in the studio today and I'm proud to say that the building phase of my piece is finished! I had been having a hard time resolving the top portion but for some reason it just clicked today. I am very pleased to know that the next 5 weeks will be dedicated to carving and modifying the structure. I feel like I am in a very good position right now. I've already got a good start on the carving of the middle portion, the whole piece is built. I would say I'm somewhere in the middle of 1/3 and 1/2 done my piece. It's all downhill from here! I am also very confident at the point of process I'm in for the upcoming full faculty critique next Tuesday. The last full faculty critique before the final one the day before graduation, what a transition point in time...I'm confident. :)
Here are the latest in-process images for you to enjoy, again comments are much appreciated!
Here are the latest in-process images for you to enjoy, again comments are much appreciated!
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